Ice Ice Baby

I went away on holiday with minimal internet access for 10 days and when I return home, I discover that people are throwing ice over themselves, telling me that I have to throw ice over myself and criticising others for throwing ice over themselves.

Most importantly, I have discovered that Tweak and Antmonkey are the people who hate me the most.

These are some of the criticisms I have heard:

It is bandwagon jumping/just a fad

Bandwagon jumping has happened since the dawn of time. People want to do stuff that other people have done and looks like fun. Life, in my opinion, is about experiences. If someone else has an experience that looks enjoyable, why shouldn't someone else want to do the same? Although admittedly, pouring a bucket of ice water over your head doesn't look enjoyable. But I guess being a part of something does.

And the fact that it's a fad? So what. So were pogs, speak and spells, bell bottoms, shell suits and the #nomakeupselfie. The world goes through fads as people try out new things. And that's just fine.

It is silly

Lots of things are silly. Silliness is what makes life fun. And that's just fine.

Not everyone is donating to charity

This strikes me as slightly holier than thou. Sure, some people are doing it just for the hell of it, because it's a challenge. And so what? They've not obliged to donate to charity just for doing something they want to do. I always find it difficult asking other people for donations to charity for something I'm going to do anyway. People shouldn't feel they have to donate just because they want to join in with a trend/have been nominated to do so. And that's just fine.

You shouldn't need a gimmick to make you donate to charity

This I can agree with. You shouldn't. The fact that you are one of the 40% of the world population on the internet, able to read this means that you are likely to have above average wealth. As such, perhaps you should be donating a small part of your income to those less fortunate than you. Being holier than thou for a second, I donate a small sum out of my salary regularly because I can. Not everyone is perhaps as fortunate enough as me to be able to spare that regular donation. And that's just fine.

You are donating to the "wrong" charity

There are two strands to this. The first is that Macmillan have hijacked the fad to try to raise funds for their own cause, rather than for ALS/MND. If this has been something that they have done on purpose, then it strikes me as a very bad move as it will lose them a lot of goodwill, and them issuing a statement on it may not actually have helped as intended. Having said that, people are able to donate to whatever charities they wish to, and if some people have chosen to donate to Macmillan, Cancer Research or anything else then that is fine. They are still helping people in some way, which is a good thing.

The second strand is that other charities deserve the support more. This is something that is pretty hard to compare, really. I think it just comes down to what personal opinions you have and what charities are close to your heart. Personally, I prefer to donate to charities that attempt to combat social injustice, such as Amnesty, Shelter or Wateraid. Other people chose other charities. And that's just fine.

They will just waste the money you donate

The argument is that it will be spent on PR, staff salaries and they will just be wasting the money. So what? So will I. I will just spend it on beer. At least a portion of it might do good this way. And that's just fine.

Bucket list item #16 : Win a gold medal at the Lukelympics

Once every two years, the world's elite athletes descend on Folkestone's East Cliff to compete in some of the most dangerous and extreme sporting events known to man.

The event is so top secret, even Sky Sports don't know about it and what video footage and photographs are available after the event are usually taken on camera phones by competitors or the few fans lucky enough to gain access to this exclusive event.

For my friend Luke (known henceforth as The Committee)'s birthday, we form ourselves into loose collectives based on some vague theme and argue amongst ourselves about who is the best horse or who is the best at running blindfolded and then send forth our gladiators into the arena.

This year was the fourth edition of the games and only the second which I had been able to attend in full. I formed a team of the best athletes I know and Bass who then argued for about three days as to what our team name would be. Eventually settling on "It's my birthday" so Bass could make endless jokes when Luke read out our team name, we made our way to the arena complete with party hats and blowers.

After Bass's blindfold fencing style - which largely resembled attempting to play cricket and then rolling on the floor - earned us a silver medal in the first event, it looked like we were on for a good day.

I didn't compete until the Four Legged Hurdles event when me, Lisa and Natalie felt confident after literally minutes of training. Despite even giving hints to our opponents in the heat (two thirds of whom hadn't yet reached their eleventh birthday) we mercilessly beat them with our athletic prowess.

In the final, we went up against Team Gin B who had a couple of McNeices as ringers on their side. We were less confident but after going neck and neck down the first straight we took them at the turn before getting over excited and almost losing our rhythm as we stormed home to victory to set the world record of 38.03 seconds.

We managed to hold back the tears during the medal ceremony but our joy was evident. We also learnt a valuable lesson: don't let Bass play. This was reinforced when during the Piggyback Equestrianism event he did 5 of the set moves rather than the three which he was supposed to do. He's a loose cannon.

I had considered not entering any more events to maintain a 100% winning record but I felt I owed it to the team to try to win more for us. Unfortunately it was not to be. In the Blindfold Biathalon underhanded instructions shouted from a rival team member (don't worry, Katie, I won't tell anyone it was you) lost us valuable seconds and in the Water Balloon Shot Put, it turns out that I don't know my own strength and I crushed a balloon in my bare hands before launching it down the course.

Despite the fact that our team finished last overall, we were the smallest nation entering and I feel we can be proud of our performance. We now have two years to get in training for the next one to build on what we have accomplished.

Bucket List Item 4: Go To Diggerland

The other day, I realised I had a day booked off in order to recover from playing a football match. At my age, you need to prepare for these sorts of things. I also realised that if I didn't plan anything for the day, I would end up sitting around in my Batman onesie watching TV all day long. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but if I've got a day off that I'm getting paid for, it's always fun to get paid for doing something cool.

So I text Jason to find out if he was off which he was, and so was Josh. So we ended up having a manly day out at the manliest place that I could think of.

I've wanted to go to Diggerland for quite some time. I was going to go with a friend a couple of years ago when I had a week off only to discover that it was only open on weekends and during school holidays. Which is a bit annoying, because to have it kid free would be amazing, although there weren't many queues when we went. I'll admit now, that I had very little idea what Diggerland would actually be like. All I knew is that they let you ride diggers and that was pretty much the selling point for me.

Oh my god, it's the stuff of dreams!

I have never felt manlier than when in control of a massive piece of machinery and able to destroy things. It's a pretty good feeling, really. I accidentally broke the rules. Apparently you're not allowed to lift the bucket over head height. I may well have been told this but when in control of heavy machinery, pretty much everything I've ever been told is forgotten in my excitement. I could probably spend all day filling up the bucket on the digger with dirt and lifting it as high as it can go to just drop out all the dirt.

There are more things than just that though. You also get to drive tractors, robots, knock down skittles and go fishing for ducks! This really was my sort of theme park as the scariest ride we went on was getting slowly lifted 50 feet in the air. Admittedly this was because we wussed out of the Spindizzy but really, it did look quite scary.

Anyway, Diggerland gets 2 thumbs up from us.

I've got a new complaint

Kurt Cobain died 20 years ago today.

Nirvana were an important part of my youth. I could list all the reasons why I felt they were important and the sort of connection I had to them but it's the sort of thing that has probably been done over and over in the 23 years since Nevermind was released.

What is more of interest is how long ago that seems, how old it makes me feel and the reducing significance that their impact has had on me over time.

I wonder if this is how our parents generation feel about the Beatles. They're a band that I dislike for possibly the most stupid of stupid reasons. I don't see anything original in them because everyone who has come since has ripped them off. So I find their music uninteresting. However, for my parents generation, they were the defining band. They were the ones who changed the way the world worked, which is how I feel about Nirvana.

For my 18 month old niece (and any children I hopefully might have someday), by the time they reach adulthood, Cobain would have been dead for about 40 years. That would mean he'd have been gone two generations. So much could have changed in that sort of time period.

It's not just the next generations who won't appreciate the significance of Nirvana.  There was a period when I probably didn't go more than a day without listening to one of their albums. Now, I could easily go a year without doing so. What seemed to be the most important thing in the world at the time is clearly no longer so. I just don't feel as strongly about them as I used to, although I recogise the effect that they had on my life.

There was a time when I thought that owning every Mansun EP ever released was the most important thing in the world. A couple of decades later, I can't work out why I had that line of thought. The significance of these events has faded into the past.

When you look at children of today with their obsessions with the heelies and The One Directions and the pogs and the Spongebob Squarepantses, it is difficult to criticise them for being silly and just following fads and having stupid obsessions, as I did the exact same sort of things. I bleached my hair to look more like Cobain, I called my first guitar Mavis after a fictional character from a Mansun song and several other things that I have either forgotten about or am now too embarrassed to admit.

One of the things I find uncomfortable about with growing up is not that I have discarded interests out of choice, but that they have slowly lost their significance.

Past Stew wants to know what the hell is up with Present Stew and why he has sold out on his punk rock values. Future Stew will want to know why Present Stew even cares about this.

Present Stew just wants a dressing gown and a nice pair of slippers.

We are family

Quite a while ago my sister-in-law told me that I should write more blogs. "Ha!" I thought, "I'll write one about her! I'm sure she'd love that!"

Had I actually got around to writing this several months ago it might have been more amusing then but nevermind. Anyway, I am going to tell you about the three new additions to my family that have occurred over the last few years.

Let's start with the day my sister-in-law became my sister-in-law. It was one of the worst days of my life. Not because she was becoming my sister-in-law but because my brother had asked me to be his best man. This was literally the most nerve wracking day of my entire life. I even had Mikey as another best man to help me with everything. What actually happened was that we made each other more and more nervous as the day went on.

We had rehearsed our joint speech a week or so before and we found ourselves hilarious. Come the actual day, having to stand up in front of family and friends and actually do the speech became the most terrifying thing in the world. We were sat next to each other at the table during the meal and barely spoke, unable to drink much wine for fear of the effect it would have on us.

In the end it went well. I guess drawing a graph that turns out to be a penis is a joke that transcends the generations.

My sister-in-law is a wonderful, lovely, generous person who - most importantly - is somehow able to put up with my brother.

Next, to my brother-in-law. He is definitely a spy. No doubt about it. All my sister knows is that he does "something to do with pipes" which means that he has to go out to the middle east a lot. That's where spies go. I've seen James Bond go there. I've seen Adam Carter go there. It's where all of the spies go.

Not that you'd think it to look at him, though. I think that's probably why he makes such a great spy. No-one suspects him.

My brother and I ushered at their wedding and got extremely confused by the L-shaped room they got married in.  I'd ushered twice before and classed myself as "experienced" but woah - that was a definite challenge to my abilities. We pulled through in the end, despite some hasty rearranging to find a seat for my dad after he had walked my sister down the aisle.

And finally to my favourite member of the family, the only one on the same intellectual level as me - my eighteen month old niece.

I did some research on the internet about how to be a good uncle and the internet told me that you need to
help your niece/nephew push the boundaries that are laid down by their parents. So, when my sister gets annoyed that I'm helping Jess throw her food everywhere, I can just point her in the direction of the internet to back me up.

Jess is wonderful. I know there's a small possibility of bias but she is definitely 5000% the cutest kid who was ever born. I've taught her to high five me as soon as she sees me. That's cool, right? I could probably go on for ages but instead I will just show you this selfie of me and her which proves that she's almost as awesome as me.

It's all about the game and how you play it

Tonight is the Royal Rumble, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE)'s first flagship pay-per-view (PPV) of the year. It is also one year since I started watching wrestling again.

Our family first got Sky TV in 1991 and as soon as we did, me and my siblings were hooked. Primarily it was me and my brother. I've always viewed wrestling as sort of like a testosterone fueled soap opera. Viewer-wise, the gender split for wrestling viewing is currently 65% male, 35% female. I've not been able to find any research on soap viewing but I would imagine that the split is roughly the opposite.

I guess what I'm saying is I want my soap opera to have oiled up men in pants grappling with each other and making each other groan. Don't judge me. It makes me manly.

There is still an undercurrent of sexism within wrestling. Women, whilst gaining a bit more prominence since I initially started watching, are still treated as inferior and sometimes as sex objects - mainly by Jerry "The King" Lawler. For anyone who doesn't know who he is, imagine the wrestling equivalent of Andy Gray and you're probably pretty close.

The women's title had been renamed the "Divas Championship" since I had last watched which seemed like a step in the wrong direction to me. The womens division did seem to be larger and perhaps had a bit more prominence but - as with football - it is still generally seen as insignificant and is paid nowhere near as well. This website has a list of wrestler's salaries.

AJ Lee, who is the current Divas champion and has recently surpassed the record for longest reigning female champion is on an annual salary of $104,300 (£63,000) which pales into insignificance when compared to the two men who fought in the title unification fight at Hell in the Cell last month. Current champion Randy Orton is on $1,600,500 (£970,000) and John Cena who is on $2,750,000 (£1,700,000).

The conclusion from all of this is that men like to watch largely naked well paid men cuddling each other. The treatment of women in wrestling is something that bugs me but my moral conscience is not strong enough to stop me from watching. I'd like to think that, in some way, being an enlightened viewer may help persuade the WWE to treat women better, but I'm not sure exactly how that would work.

Going back to the soap opera element, obviously I know that wrestling "isn't real." Although what people mean by that statement, I'm not entirely sure. It's like saying that Eastenders isn't real. I guess what they mean is that the results are fixed. Fine, that's the whole point. It's what keeps the storylines going. I didn't think this when I was little though.

One of my school colleagues had a dad who worked in television in some way, possibly a cameraman. When Summerslam came over to London in 1992, he got to go up with his dad and hang around back stage. I thought he was indescribably cool for having this opportunity. When he came back, I thought he was less cool. This is because he told me that he had seen The Undertaker and Kamala having a cup of tea and discussing what the were going to do in their match. I was convinced he was making it up. This sort of thing just couldn't happen. It was like being told that santa didn't exist all over again. I was sure that I was being lied to but I couldn't work out why someone would lie about something so important.

Over time, I got a full understanding of what it was and how it worked and I still had an appreciation of it. No-one does spectacle or entertainment quite like the WWE and at the age of 34, I can still get excited when something happens like the underdog Daniel Bryan managing to win the world championship from John Cena.

Sure, some of it isn't very exciting at times, and WWE still have a habit of managing to take a story line or character that threatens to be really interesting or exciting and throw it away in favour of maintaining the status quo.

I watched wrestling on and off over the times that I've had Sky but over the course of the last year, I've been watching every pay per view and the odd Raw or Smackdown in between or reading about them on the internet when I can't. It's safe to say, I'm addicted again. It is, by and large, as much fun as it has always been, and - I find - much more exciting than Eastenders.

Review: Yeezus by A Gay Fish

One of my resolutions for 2014 is to listen to more music. As it to actually listen to it. When I was little, I would lay down and do nothing but listen to music. These days, it tends to be more of a background activity. Something to put on while I do the washing up or drive to work or clean out my guinea pigs or play games or something else.

This afternoon, I turned off my phone, loaded up Spotify and put on Kanye West's album Yeezus. I chose this album partly because of my continuing quest to broaden my horizons and partly because it was top or near the top of a large number of best albums of 2013 lists.

To my knowledge, I'd not consciously listened to any Kanye before. At least, not knowing that it was him. As with a lot of my cultural knowledge, all I knew about Kanye I had learnt from South Park. So I knew that he had finally admitted to being a gay fish and is dating a Kardasian who looks like a hobbit.

I make no secret that I think the three best rappers I've heard are all in the Beastie Boys which may be seen as a flippant statement but it's one I agree with. I do listen to rap when I'm in the mood and I'm especially fond of Mos Def but come on, he's no Ad Rock, is he?

As such, it might be difficult for Kanye to win a place in my affections but I went into this with an open mind, wanting to like it.

Musically the album is okay. In fact, it is exceptional in places, sounding at times like music from a sci-fi dsytopia. There are certain things he does which, musically, are incredible and even occasionally haunting. I was quite enjoying Yeezus but then four things ruined it for me.

1. Autotune. I was aware that Kanye uses autotune. I'm not sure that anyone has ever pointed out that it is the most horrible sounding thing imaginable. I would guess that he uses it because he can't actually sing. It must be pretty embarrassing to not be the best singer on your own record. Like seriously, it's just so annoying and he uses it so much. I wonder if he ever actually listens to his own records?

2. Jumping from style to style. There are a couple of points where a song on this album will just shift entirely in style and won't flow. I know that it's probably trying to be quirky or cool or something like that, but music primarily is meant to be enjoyable. It's not too enjoyable if it feels uncomfortable.

3. Kanye's sense of self importance. I was aware from South Park and the claim that he is the next Nelson Mandela that Kanye thinks he is pretty much the most important person the the planet. There is a song on Yeezus called I am a god. The lyrics go  "I am a god, I am a god, I am a god, I am a god." In my opinion, delusions of grandeur are only cool when they are funny.

4. Misogynism. All of the above complaints pale into insignificance compared to the inherent misogyny on the album. I have no idea how many times the word "bitch" is said on this album. I estimate it to be roughly one metric fucktonne. The worst line is probably "one more fuck and I can own ya" which shows that Kanye values and respects women and sees them as a valuable human being in their own right. Oh wait, no, sorry. I think I got that wrong. I'm sure Kanye thinks he's being a lyrical genius with lines such as "I'd rather be a dick than a swallower" but really it makes him just sound like an idiot.

Now there may be layers of meaning in his lyrics that I'm ignoring. He may well be trying to make cutting social commentary as one or two reviews claim but still, I can't get past the fact that he just sounds moronic.

It is a little bit annoying really, because there is quite a bit that musically, I enjoy but really, I can't listen to this album again for the above reasons. I'm not sure how so many critics and listeners can get past these things and rate the album so highly.

Apparently Midnight Memories by One Direction was the best selling album in the UK last year. I might have to tackle that next.