Wednesday, 13 July 2016

Pirates and Pirates and Pirates

It was Layla's birthday this week, which reminded me of something I've been meaning to write about for ages.

Pirates and Pirates and Pirates
supported by Hattie Hatstar
Once upon a time, in a field not too far away... Merton Farm in Canterbury, to be precise. At Lounge on the Farm. In the year two thousand and ten. The greatest band ever were formed!

We were at the festival for what I think was the second of the three years I went for, and Lynsey had started running a Quarterhouse Stage. Unfortunately they had a couple of performers drop out and were looking for replacements.

Stefan, probably fuelled by a beer or two at the time, suggested to her that he and I - who had never played music together previously - could fill a slot on the bill.

Me, probably fuelled by a beer or two at the time, went along with this and suggested that it would be a really great idea.

Lynsey, probably fuelled by whatever her choice of beverage is, was somehow convinced that we would actually be able to put on a performance and gave us a slow on Sunday afternoon, giving us a day and a half to get our shizzle together.

The first thing any band needs is a name. Then you know what sort of band you've got. There was a band playing at the festival called Cats and Cats and Cats. I had seen them earlier and thought they were quite good. Afterwards, I had nodded at one member of the band assuming that they were someone that I knew. They looked at me weirdly. I then realised that I knew who they were but that had no clue who I was.

Someone, I think James most likely, was telling me a story about how they had almost called themselves Parrots and Parrots and Parrots. "Pirates and Pirates and Pirates?" says I. "That's an awesome name, let's take it." So we did.

We managed to borrow an acoustic guitar. Neither Stefan nor I can sing. He told me I had to as the guitar was right handed, and with me being left handed, this was the logical way to arrange the band. I had never been encouraged to sing in a band before. Mainly because people I've been in bands with have heard me sing.

This gave us Saturday to write songs. We had to borrow Dan Light's diary so I could write lyrics down, and we sat around the campfire mainly writing songs about things that had happened to us over the course of the festival.

We wrote a song called No Cash Back about how the bars on site weren't giving any cash back so James had to walk into town to get to a cash machine. We wrote another called Hobo Joe about a guy called Joe who Dan Light found sleeping in his tent one evening.  There was The Ballad of Dan Light about Dan Light graffiti which had been appearing mysteriously on site and which we had absolutely nothing to do with.

On Sunday morning, it was Layla's birthday. This is why I remembered that it was the 6th anniversary of the formation of the band when it was her birthday. Mainly because we then wrote a song about her birthday called Layla's Birthday. It lasts 10 seconds and has the lyrics "Layla, it's your birthday, but we're not celebrating."

For her birthday, Sophie had bought Layla a toy xylophone. This meant that she instantly made it into the band. Ben wanted to be in the band, and we wanted him to be in the band because he could actually sing. So he got in too. I seem to recall we also bought some sort of whistle from the Siesta tent for him to play as well. The drummer from Stefan's actual band was at the festival. Stefan grabbed him, some saucepans and wooden spoons and he became our drummer.

We rehearsed briefly as a full band and then at 4.30pm we were unleashed upon the unsuspecting world. We had been spreading the word a bit, and as it's quite a small festival we actually managed to get maybe 30 or 40 people we knew come along to watch us which I was extremely impressed with, especially as we had been talking down the band all weekend.

When we finished playing Hobo Joe, we discovered that Joe was actually a friend of a friend who had come along to watch us and that he was actually quite embarrassed by what had happened.

During the Ballad of Dan Light, Dan himself held up big bits of card which he had taped on True and False, to coincide with whether the statements about him were true of false. Attempting to "sing" the lyrics to the song whilst he was doing so is one of the funniest and most enjoyable memories that I've got.

We finished with a song called Thank You Lynsey thanking her for letting us play her stage. We added in information about things about her that Sophie had informed us about so we could embarrass her slightly, before legging it from the stage.

A few months later, Stefan came over to my house and we attempted to record the songs. There is a link below, but they are not as good as the originals, especially as they are lacking several instruments and I attempted the drums by filling a container with coins which really doesn't work.

 Although the band never officially split up, they have been on an indefinite hiatus. Perhaps there will be a reunion one day. Judging from how many times my old band have had reunions, nothing can be ruled out.


The band:
Stewart Cork - "singing"
Stefan Birkett - guitar
Ben Bailes - vocals, whistle and pretend trumpet
Layla Silbert - toy xylophone
Tom the Drummer - pots and pans

Songs from Dan Light's Diary:
1 No Cash Back
2 Ballad of Dan Light
3 Hobo Joe
4 Piracy Funds Terrorism
5 Hotter Than The Med
6 Nice Guys Finish Last
7 Layla's Birthday
8 Thank You Lyndsey

A version of these songs can be heard at https://soundcloud.com/pirates-2/sets/songs-from-dan-lights-diary




Friday, 3 June 2016

Bucket List Item #48: Climb Scafell Pike

Once upon a time, I went on a little road trip around England. One of the things I was wanting to do was to climb Scafell Pike. I ended up not doing so. For a few reasons. 

1. It is really big and I am generally quite lazy.
2. I was on my own and thought I might navigate myself to certain doom.
3. The weather was supposed to be bad for climbing mountains.

So instead I did other things. However, climbing the mountain got put on my bucket list as a result of not climbing it. I resolved to do so when I wasn't so lazy, had someone to navigate me away from doom and when it wasn't so windy.

Therefore, I gathered a band of intrepid adventures and we made our way to the Lake District on holiday (having previously done a similar thing in Snowdonia at the same time last year) to complete this feat. Due to amazing planning, we were there the week that the wettest place in the country had its summer and all managed to get a little bit of a sunburn.

The mountain is 980 metres high. This doesn't sound like much until you try to go that high. Then it sounds a lot harder. When you have been climbing an hour and still can't see the summit, it appears infinite. 

Compared to Snowdon, it is actually smaller, however as a climb it is a lot more intense. Snowdown has more scrambly bits (I learnt that the technical term is scree) but also more flat bits. Scafell Pike is basically a 980 metre staircase. With big rocky stairs. I thought I knew what to expect having done Snowdon but this was a lot more intense. But we all managed it, see! Go team!

Several years ago, I always got confused by people who went up mountains because they were there. Now I am that kind of person, and I can recommend it. You get a great sense of achievement, and you feel like you are on top of the world (both literally and metaphorically) and that you can achieve anything.  I would definitely recommend it, as long as you have some idea what you are letting yourself in for and prepare adequately in advance.

There has already been talk about doing Ben Nevis next year to complete what is one of the slowest Three Peaks challenges, I am just giving my body a little time to recover before telling it about this.

Sunday, 24 April 2016

We could be heroes

Last week's Big Issue was a heroes edition. They had famouses talk to other famouses in the pretext of interviewing them so they didn't feel nervous and awkward about their desire to speak to another famous just because they were someone they admired.

The other day I went to see Richard Herring. I'm a bit of a fanboy of his. I have been a fan since
watching Fist of Fun and This Morning With Richard Not Judy (TMWRNJ) back when I was at school. I have seen him perform 4 or 5 times now, bought DVDs, listen to some of his many podcasts. I even got a bit excited when he emailed me back after I sent him an email about his Me 1 v Me 2 podcast where he plays himself at snooker.

I had an opportunity to meet him after the show. He was selling books and DVDs and chatting to fans. It wasn't a long queue and wouldn't have been too much of my time to queue up and meet him. The opportunity to meet my hero. And yet I didn't want to do it.

Thinking about why I didn't want to is a little odd. I know I'd want to say something clever or memorable. I also believe that I'd mess it up and say something stupid. I'm also not sure what I'd gain from a very short interaction with him.

When I was at university, I used to work for the local newspaper and I got to interview the big bands that came to town. I especially remember interviewing Stove, the bass player from Mansun who were (and still are) one of my favourite bands. If there was ever a time to be nervous and say something stupid to a famous, that was the time. However, I think I did fine - or at least as fine as any 18 year old can do when in that sort of situation.

Not wanting to meet my heroes is not a new thing. I support West Ham United and they came down to play against Folkestone in a pre-season friendly many years ago. My family when to the bar and meet the players and staff - including my 12 year old brother being offered a pint by Harry Redknapp - while I was sat in the stand with my friend. However, missing that experience isn't something I have ever regretted.

You're told that celebrities are just nice normal people like you or I (or at least you're told that some of them are). I think maybe that's the problem. I don't want them to be like me. I want them to have some sort of mystique. Something other worldly. Something that makes them more interesting than just a regular human.

And also, I think I'd want to say something cool but I know I'd just say something ridiculously embarrassing like squeaking out "You were a joy to watch."

Saturday, 24 October 2015

Happy 600th Birthday Agincourt

It is my birthday tomorrow and also the 600th Anniversary of the Battle of Agincourt. Once I found out that I shared a birthday with this battle, I had a bit more interest in it than I may have otherwise had.

I’ve always had an interest in history and I think that if I could go back in time and speak to younger Stew, that I would tell him to study History at university. I love castles. I love stories. I love the whole kings and queens and battles for territories and beheadings, even though I am a republican and a pacifist.

I guess these stories are magical because they tell of a different time. They tell of a world so completely different to ours in how it is run and the rules of society. It is difficult to see the similarities, yet at the same time, important to understand that there are lessons to be learned.

I was lent a great book on Agincourt earlier this year, Juliet Barker’s Agincourt: The King, The Campaign, The Battle. I learned a lot. Mostly I learned that I didn’t know much about that period of history at all. I got quite engrossed in the book and it encouraged me to want to read up more about history in the future, especially as I currently have a lot of time to read on the train.

I think that Agincourt was pretty neat because the archers got to play a big part in the battle due to the way it played out. Archers are cool. The whole idea I think is much cooler than a knight wading into battle on a horse with a sword which just seems a bit too bombastic for my liking. An archer just loiters at the back, picking people off without really having to get their hands messy. More about my love for archery another time, perhaps.

I found it really enjoyable reading the book and getting all the details about the build up and the political situation at the time. The list below shows other things that happened on my birthday. I think I'm going to read up on the Charge of the Light Brigade for next year. If anyone has any recommendations of good books, let me know!



Other things that have happened on my birthday (at least according to the internet):

1854: The Charge of the Light Brigade
1881: Picasso is born
1917: The October Revolution (depending on which calendar you adhere to)
1935: Clement Atlee becomes leader of the Labour Party
1979 (The Year I was born): Video Killed The Radio Star is number 1.
1979: Eddie Argos of Art Brut is born
1990: I score a hat trick in a 6-5 victory over All Souls Primary School
2004: Castro bans the dollar in Cuba

Monday, 12 October 2015

It's so close I can taste it in my spit: The Return of the Apprentice

The Apprentice starts again this week. It is both one of my favourite TV shows and the one that makes me the most frustrated.

When I was studying accountancy, one of my tutors suggested watching the show to learn about all the mistakes that businesses can make if they are run by idiots. I think that is a fairly good assessment of what happens in the show. I watched the series that was on and then became immediately hooked and started watching through all of the other seasons which had been on before.

I applied to go on the show around 4 years ago. It was a very weird experience. I was unable to make the London date as I was at a festival, so I ended up getting the train to Birmingham whilst reading Sugar’s book What You See Is What You Get, in the vague hope that it would somehow help my chances of getting on the show.

I’m not really sure I wanted to be on the show, but I knew that I was much better than half of the people they had on who are basically complete chumps. I spend half of the time I’m watching the show telling whoever will listen that I could do it better and pointing out all of the mistakes that they had made. So I figured, why not give it a shot. It would be a fun day out and I might end up with fame and fortune.

What it actually amounted to was a hotel full of men in suits and women in power suits who waited for around an hour each to then be ushered into a room with 9 other contestants, asked to speak for 30 seconds about yourself before then dismissed.

The assumption is that they are intentionally picking people who would provide interesting TV. This seems logical and my experience of the two of three they picked to go on to the next round are they went with the ones that seemed instantly the most pompous.

So instead of progressing to the next stage, I went to Starbucks and read Four Four Two whilst waiting for the train to head home to my normal life of not being shouted at by strangers. I think it probably worked out for the best. I’m not keen on being shouted at.

As a footnote to my experience, this was the second year that you had to come up with a business plan rather than simply getting a job working for Sralan. One of the losing finalists stole my idea. I remember chatting about our ideas with some other contestants, although I can’t remember if the fluffy haired one who had the same idea was one of the people I talked to. If he was, I feel his uppance came when he was booted off first out of all the finalists. Especially as it was a crap idea anyway. At least if you’re going to steal something, try to steal a good idea.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Toot toot, Thomas

Today I have renewed my annual rail ticket. This will mean that I have been commuting to London for a whole year.
I never intended to become a commuter. It happened by accident. I was looking to move to working for a not for profit organisation and opportunities were limited in my home town, so I started to look further afield.

Before I began commuting, I had certain opinions on what it would be like to be a commuter. I knew a few people who did it before I started and had chatted with them about their experiences. I thought that I would feel important heading into the city every day, I thought that my work would feel much more important and poignant working in the nation’s capital). I imagined that the train would be bustling and lively with a sense of camaraderie as we would all be doing the same march to the Big Smoke each day. I think I had a rose tinted view. I also thought that I would be able to spend the additional travel time reading, learning and generally broadening my horizons.

On the downsides, I thought that the travel would be quite draining and that I would want to go to sleep around 7pm every day (I’ve always been quite a tired person and I imagined getting up earlier would make this much worse) and that a massive chunk of my salary would now be spent getting to work when I had previously been able to stroll 15 minutes to the office.

I thought that one year in is a good time to review what the reality is of my commute and whether it has met my expectations.

At over £6,000 a year, I would have thought I should expect a good service. My annual gold card should allow me certain perks. Such as upon arrival in London, Boris Johnson personally greeting me in a helicopter and taking me to my onward destination. Or if that is too much to ask, perhaps a friendly Network Rail worker to give me a high five and a coffee as I step off the train.

Unfortunately this is not the case. What my gold card does entitle me to is unlimited travel to and from my destination, as well as stopping off at any point along the way. As my destination is broadly defined as London, and there are a number of possible routes in, this actually allows me to travel to almost anywhere within my local vicinity. This is a nice perk. And the fact that I can get to London for free whenever I want has also been nice. I’ve done a bit of sightseeing and it has also reduced the cost of my travel when I’ve gone on holiday, especially as I can get discounts for anyone travelling with me.

The service has worsened since I started. This time last year, my train would be a six carriage train which would combine with another six carriage train for most of the route, meaning that there was almost always enough space for everyone . This has now just become a single six carriage train and so is often standing room only. When there are cancelled or delayed trains, it starts to become much little a chicken coop.

In my head, when a company gets more people travelling, it is getting more revenue and therefore should be able to buy more carriages. I have pointed this out to SouthEastern on several occasions, along with the fact that they made £12m profit last year despite being voted the worst rail operator although it looks unlikely that we’ll get extra carriages any time soon. It is almost enough to make you want to stop travelling by rail and, along with the fact that I am just contributing to London’s overcrowding problem which has pushed rents sky high and started to force people out of the city, has led me to consider finding something else closer to home.

As an operator, SouthEastern tend to be too defensive and not open to suggestion or discussion. They reply to comments on Twitter only when asking from help. If you email them, they send long replies largely missing your point. They have Meet the Manager sessions but largely at inconvenient times and locations for commuters. They appear to have taken the ostrich approach to customer service.

You can easily see why they are the worst if you go on another operator. Even though others may not be amazing, you can still tell the difference with what you are getting for your money. HS1, which I get every day is quite clean (although poorly designed for when it is overcrowded). Any other part of SouthEastern is in comparison, really quite unpleasant. It is different in other parts of the country, Virgin for example, is quite a pleasant experience in comparison. Even our local buses are more pleasant, now including wi-fi and aeroplane style comfortable seats.

First class on a SouthEastern journey - other than HS1 which doesn’t offer this - might cost you over twice as much but basically gets you nothing extra. Having sat in First Class when a train was overcrowded (an onboard manager – ticket inspector for anyone who hasn’t traveled on trains recently – told me to. I wasn’t being naughty), I can confirm that the experience is no better than a regular seat in any discernible way and is definitely not worth splashing out on.

As expected, I have been getting up a lot earlier than previously, and this has had a knock on effect on how tired I have been especially by Friday evening after a week of travelling. My stamina has been increasing slightly but it is still a drain. I find it difficult to sleep while I’m travelling as I’m paranoid that I’ll miss my stop, so I’ve been looking for alternative ways to get a little more sleep. A couple of weeks ago I bought an amazing breakfast caddy which allows me to prepare my breakfast the night before and eat it on the go. This has been getting me 15 minutes extra in bed each morning so far with the plus side of making me eat a little healthier.

The camaraderie – which I’m not sure why I expected – doesn’t exist at all. If you’re the first to the platform, you’re almost certainly not going to be the first onto the train. The British appear to no longer be as good at queuing as we once were. Everyone seems to think that they have the right to be the first on the train despite the fact that we all pay the same extortionate price. There was even one occasion when a fellow passenger used his bike to barge me out of the way to get on first. The one exception to this is the chap that always gets on the same carriage as me first thing in the morning. Whichever of us is at the station last will very politely offer to allow the other on first. This sense of politeness seems to dissipate the closer you get to London. From this I conclude that living near to London makes you grumpy and rude.

I did start to feel important for the first few weeks of being a commuter. This wore off quite quickly though. It can still be exciting when you arrive in the city and it is quite bustling and it does give you a bit of a lift but this is only temporary. To increase my feeling of importance, I like to smash my way through both of the double doors as I exit Westfield to make myself feel as strong as the Incredible Hulk (whilst knowing deep down inside that they are intended to swing open quite easily).

Walking through Westfield is fine in the mornings before the shops have opened but I get quite annoying at hometime when it is full of shoppers. Actually, shoppers are fine. It is the dawdlers, the people who don’t pay attention to where they are walking as their head is in their phone, and those that walk in groups taking up all of the pathway or those that stand still and make no allowance for the fact that people might need to get past. Then out comes my inner rage as I mutter inside my head about how bad mannered and impolite they are.

Another poor thing about the service is the communication when there are delays. There is an announcement of the delay with an automated apology along with a vague reason why it has occurred but often no indication of when it will be resolved. There will occasionally be a message advising that you can use your ticket on alternative London stations, although the only time I’ve attempted to do this, the length of the tube journey to the alternative station plus the additional time of the journey meant that I would have been home earlier had I waited for the problem to be resolved. One of the reasons I didn’t wait was due to the fact the announcement and apology of the delay was being repeated every minute and was doing my nut in.

When you are delayed, you do get to claim delay repay if your journey is disrupted by at least 30 minutes. I have managed to accumulate almost £90 of vouchers which will be going towards a discount on my season ticket, which is a shockingly high amount of time that I must have spent waiting for trains, especially when you consider that my standard voucher is £5.50.

The longest I must have been delayed when walking to work would maybe have been a minute attempting to cross a road. I previously walked 15 minutes each way to work. I currently walk 15 minutes to and from the train station each side of my journey. With a train journey of 46 minutes if there are no delays, my total time spent travelling each day is now 152 minutes. Let’s round it up to 160 to include time waiting for the train each way and I’m spending 2 hours 10 minutes longer to get to and from work each day than I was previously. I know I was fortunate to live so close before, but this puts things into perspective and makes me realise that long term, I want to be working closer to home.

Another thing that you soon get to grips with is that as soon as you get outside of central London, connections become much poorer. The company I work for has several offices. The one nearest to me as the crow flies is in Sidcup but the rail network is not designed to allow me to get there easily and it takes me at least twice as long as my regular commute (at the best of times).

Reading has been the main thing I’ve appreciated about being a commuter. I’ve read 66 books in the year that I’ve been commuting. There are downsides. Sometimes it is difficult to get into a book so early in the morning or being so braindead on the way home that it’s too difficult to focus. Or if you have people who decide that talking on public transport before 9am is an acceptable thing to do. Generally, it has been good me time that allows me to relax and plow through the massive pile of unread books that I have accumulated.

Another enjoyable thing is the se_tranes parody account on Twitter (formerly se_raleway) because if you can’t laugh at how much you’re being screwed over, then you’re going to get really rather grumpy about it. To conclude, commuting is alright if you can deal with it, keep your sense of humour and sanity and if the rewards are worthwhile. Otherwise, it can be draining and demoralising and just add more misery to your working day.

Friday, 4 September 2015

My Darkest Hours: 4 days without a phone

I was without a mobile phone from Monday until yesterday evening. Whilst I try to stop it from controlling my life, it did feel as if I’d travelled back in time to the dark ages. Initially I thought it would be great to be free from being tied to it. That I would no longer feel tempted to look down and check Facebook or Twitter or e-mail every 30 seconds but instead to enjoy the moment in which I am living.

I didn’t realise just quite how reliant I am on my phone. Even the simplest things have become much more difficult without it. Let’s talk through the difference that it has made to my daily routine.


My phone has for many years been my alarm clock. It has ensured that I wake up early enough so that I don’t miss work. Admittedly, my body almost always wakes me up before my alarm goes off (damn you, body!) but there are instances when this doesn’t happen and so I need to have a mechanical fall back for this purpose. I had to work out how to set my alarm on my bedroom clock and also to remember to set it every night (without my phone to remind me to do so, no less!)

I then have around 40 minutes every day when I am walking to and from the train station. Usually I’ll be listening to a podcast and blocking out the noise of the traffic and pedestrians. My phone has provided this purpose for the last 2 years after my 10 year old iPod gave up the ghost. Now I hear the traffic and the pedestrians. This in itself isn’t too annoying – the sounds of nature can be quite pleasant - but I like feeling productive and spending the time learning what is going on in the world. I’ve been listening primarily to sports and politics podcasts which fills the time nicely. I’m starting to feel slightly less up to date having not been able to listen to anything since Friday.

Then there is my sense of direction. Google Maps on my phone is the reason that I’m not stuck in a field in the middle of the West Country after getting lost attempting to find my way home from a trip to Yeovil 8 years ago. My sense of direction is bad. Really quite bad. Yesterday, I had to visit an office in Westminster for a meeting. Without my phone, I felt worried. I studied the map and directions on my PC for about 10 minutes prior to leaving, as well as printing them off for good measure. I made it fine - it was only a 5 minute walk from the tube - but it was touch and go for a while.

There are several apps that I have become tied to. I’ve been trying to eat more healthily and lose a little weight, so I’ve been using the MyFitnessPal app to help me monitor my calorie intake, ensure that I do enough exercise and also get enough vitamins and iron. (Side note: I’m pleased to say that it has helped me lose around 10 pounds so far, and that this is weight and not sterling).

I’ve also been trying to learn Spanish. This is an ongoing item on my bucket list. A couple of months ago I started using the Duolingo app which I am addicted to. It reminds me when I should be practicing, I’ve got a daily goal and it works out what areas I’m weak at and helps me to go over them. In short, it’s the first way of learning that I’ve been able to get really engaged in (having tried books and CDs as well as an online course) and therefore the first that has helped me make any real progress. It also told me recently that I’m 43% fluent which is clearly a load of poppycock as I don’t even know how to say “well, that’s clearly a load of poppycock” in Spanish yet.

I use my phone as a shopping list. When I get to the supermarket, I stand no chance of remembering what it is I actually need. I’ve got a poor memory. What I do have is a good sense of planning. When I run out of something, I add it onto my shopping list app. When I decide what I’m having for dinner, all the ingredients go into the app. Then when I get to the supermarket, I don’t have to use my brain at all as my phone is my substitute memory.

There are workarounds for all these apps, however the reason I use them is because they’re very convenient and because they work. Not having them has made my life that little bit more complicated.

Another issue that I’ve encountered is that I don’t know anyone’s phone numbers. Except my parents as that has been the same for the last 20 years. Communicating with anyone else therefore presents issues.

I’ve also had to go back to the old school method of arranging to meet people. I will tell them where and when I will be and then trust that they will be there with no issues. I’ve got so used to being able to check plans via text, or to drop someone a message when I’m on my way, that I had forgotten that we used to do this all the time. It’s more exciting to wait and see if the other party will actually show up.

General communication has become more difficult. Social media allows me to get in touch with people whose phone numbers I don’t know (ie everyone) but it is not the most convenient method. Not everyone checks Facebook messages regularly, and I am only able to do so now when I’m at a computer.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, it’s not much of an inconvenience at all. However this experience of living without a mobile has taught me that, as much as I like to think that it isn’t, my phone is in complete control of my life. The machines have risen. The end is nigh.