My groomsdudes: #2 My brother

I first met my brother Dan when he was born. We didn’t really communicate too well at first. I was 4 and used very basic English. He mostly just screamed. Over time, the communication in our relationship became more of a two-way thing. Now I can understand most of what he says, except when he is talking about web design. At that point I just smile and nod.

Our interests largely overlap, similar to my interests with my dad. The three of us all love music and sport. My brother and I also share a love of games; both board games and computer games. When we were younger we would spend many hours on whatever gaming system we had at the time, either attempting to beat the other one or getting impatient waiting for our turn on the game.

One specific memory I have is that we were playing the latest version of Madden when the news about 9/11 was coming through. I guess everyone remembers where they were when they find out about stuff like that. Nowadays, me and my brother are more likely to be playing board games in a larger, more sociable group.

One advantage of having a younger brother was that I was able to inflict my musical tastes on him. Several artists that he loves would have come about from overhearing and borrowing my CDs. I then had a Mini Me to take along to gigs when no-one else wanted to go, which was quite often as I was a bit of a musical snob when I was younger and seemed to like a band more if no-one else had ever heard of them.

I’m sure most brothers fight, and we were no different. We’d fight about stupid, unimportant things. Things that are long forgotten about. We were competitive. We could both be stubborn. We’d both think that the other was wrong, or a stupid idiot or whatever. Now that we are “grown-ups,” we are slightly more mature and we have grown past this. These days we a lot more supportive of each other.

In recent years, we have generally only fought when we’re playing co-operative games and both believe we have the best idea about what to do. Obviously I’m right, but sometimes I have to humour him and go with his idea.

We even worked together for a time. We both turned up to a recruitment day at Saga, only finding out a few days before that the other would be there. We both managed to get jobs working in the call centre. One benefit to this was getting to spend more time together, as we had both moved out of home by that point.

We would hang out either during breaks or at the weekends we were both scheduled to work, as you would be able to sit anyone in the office rather than your designated desk. This resulted in the only song that we’ve ever written together, the infamous hidden track on my band’s second album. Thinking about how successful that collaboration was, maybe we should consider another.

Despite the fact Dan is my younger brother, there were definitely times when he had to look after me. I can recall several times when he had to assist me home after I’d had one too many lemonade. I can’t recall very many occasions where it happened the other way round.

Dan will be my best man, returning the honour that he gave me when he married my awesome sister-in-law 5 years ago. Before his wedding, I was unsure if I would ask him to be my best man if I ever got married. It would allow him to get revenge on me for the speech that myself and Mikey (his other best man) had planned, which focused around finding the most effeminate photos of him possible and talking through how we’d thought he was gay whilst drawing a graph penis on a whiteboard. Comedy gold.

After that day, there was no choice in my mind that he would be my best man if I got married. Partly because I’d never been so nervous in my entire life, and partly because I was proud that he had bestowed the honour on me and wanted to do the same for him.

Dan and I don't look too alike, and when he met people, he would often introduce himself as "the younger, more attractive brother." You can't say he wasn't confident. He was always a lot more confident in groups of people than I was. Whilst I always played music, I was happy being at the back whereas Dan seemed to enjoy centre stage whilst acting, and even won awards for doing so.

A few weeks before we got engaged, I got a text from Dan asking when it was going to happen as he had a great speech planned. I’m not sure whether that is a good or a bad thing. I will find out a month today.

My groomsdudes: #1 Dad

I first met my dad when I was born.  We didn’t really communicate too well at first. He used English. I mainly just screamed. Over time, the communication in our relationship became more of a two-way thing. Nowadays, I’d say we understand at least 60% of what the other one is saying.

I am very much like my dad in very many ways. One way is looks. When I was around 25, I was a little freaked out when found a photo of him looking identical to me when he was around 25. It made me wonder if I was actually a time traveller. We both had a very similar haircut and a very similar face. Now, over ten years later, we both have a very similar lack of hair and a very similar face.

Me and my dad share many of the same interests too. I didn't notice how much so until I was having a job interview a while ago and was asked to list my interests outside of work. I started talking about my love of music, which I think has been given to me from my dad playing records from as early as I can remember and from me borrowing his guitar and hitting it randomly. We may not always have the same tastes in music, he'll often talk to me about musicians I've barely heard of from approximately one million years ago, but we both have a love of music in general.

After mentioning music in my interview, I started talking about my love of sport. I think that this was given to me from my dad taking me along to football matches from around the age of five. I would be the annoying kid always asking his dad how much longer was left because it was cold, and because non-league football isn’t always exciting to a small child.

I remember one of the first matches I ever went to was Folkestone Town v Kings Lynn. I’m not sure how I remember that fact. It’s not really an important one. I didn’t know where Kings Lynn was until I just Googled it. I mainly remember someone in a seat near to us shouting “Come on you whites!” and every time I would try to shout “Oranges” over the word whites. I was quite a confrontational 5-year old. I am less confrontational these days, except when I play board games. My dad probably used stronger confrontational language, although I’m sure he moderated it when I was younger. As I grew older, he probably moderated it less; as I grew older, my language probably became closer to his.

My dad is sort of a local celebrity. One of the things most people know about him is that he has a football chant for him. If there is ever anything for me to aspire to, it’s that. In fact, I should probably add that to my bucket list now. Ok, that's done.

My dad became a local celebrity largely through the fact that he was a sports writer/editor on our local newspaper. As you can tell from the fact that I am currently writing a blog, I enjoy writing too. My dad had a column called Touchliner in which he would write about whatever is on his mind. He would literally write what was on his mind, before he'd put it through any sort of sense filter. I'm not sure that anyone aside from him ever understood the entirety of any column he wrote.

Not all of our interests overlap. I love cooking but my dad’s speciality is a microwave meal. However, I still remember asking him to make me toast when I was ill, as he would always cover it with more layers of Dairylea (my toast topping of choice, still do this day) than had any right to be able to fit on a piece of bread.

My dad was always very patient and always willing to help me out even at my moments of greatest stupidity. There was the time when I phoned him around 9am and he left work to drive me to university because I had missed a bus as I hadn’t bothered to read the timetable and I'd attempted to catch a bus that didn't exist. In hindsight, I was clearly doing university wrong as any other student would have taken that as a sign to go straight back to bed.

A few months later, after I had passed my driving test, I had driven up to uni but had accidentally left my lights on all day. When I came out of my last lecture around 7pm to find the battery dead and I called my dad who very kindly drove up to Canterbury to rescue myself and a friend from the Poltergeist of Park Wood.* He also brought a toolkit so that I could remove the battery, take it home to charge and replace it the next day.

These were just two times when he saved my metaphorical bacon within the space of one year. There are countless other times he has helped me out, although most of the other involve fewer examples of my own stupidity and so the stories aren’t as interesting.

There are also lots of great stories about my father doing things which one might class as stupid, too. One favourite story of my sister’s is how he tried to use the phone as a remote control for the TV when he came home drunk one evening. Who hasn’t tried to do something like that after a tipple or two, though? I won't mention any of the numerous times he's managed to fall over.

My personal favourite story is when myself and Jo were out for lunch with my parents and I was talking about DIY that we were doing. I asked my dad if he had a jigsaw, as I wanted to borrow one. He thought for a moment before replying that he didn’t think so as, whilst he enjoys puzzles, the problem with them is that they take up a lot of space. This misunderstanding is the reason that I have been buying him jigsaws as presents ever since.

My dad has always been there for me when I need help and advice. One of the best pieces of advice he gave me (which admittedly I have ignored on several occasions) is to always stop drinking when you think you won’t remember it the next day. As I get older, this is a piece of advice I have started to heed more often.

* Note: for any UKC students, this is something I just made up and is nothing to fear.

Mr Anderson

Hi. My name is Stewart Cork. At least it is at the moment. It's going to be changing in seven months time. Let me explain to you why.

The short answer is that it's because I'm going to get it changed by deed poll. The more correct answer is because I'm getting married (yay!) and will be changing my name when I do so.

Myself and my fiancee are quite liberal minded and believe that men and women are created equal, albeit with different dangly bits. Traditionally a woman would take her husband's name upon marriage. To us, this feels a bit too much like a man is possessing the woman. A woman is giving up her name but the man is giving up nothing. Whilst some elements of our wedding will be traditional, there are others that will not and this is one of them.

It is important for us that we both have the same surname as a symbol of our union and so we have both opted to give up our inherited surnames. We have picked something new because double-barrelling and combing our names in other ways didn't sound very good.

The surname we have opted for is Anderson. This is my grandmother's maiden name and it is also a traditional Scottish name. As Jo is half-Scottish, this felt like a nice way to honour both of our ancestries so that it still felt like a link with our pasts in the same way that our current surnames do.

There are other bonuses with this. One is that there is an Anderson tartan which I will be wearing on
our wedding day.

Another is my hope that I will gain the nickname Neo after Keanu Reeves' Mr Anderson in The Matrix.

A letter to Santa

I finally got round to writing my letter to Santa this year. As I might have missed the last post, I've decided to type it up in the hopes that he sees it one way or another.

Dear Santa,

I know I only write to you once a year. I really should try to keep in touch more, and I can only apologise for this. However, it is a two-way relationship and you can feel free to stop by any time for a cup of tea. If you let me know in advance, I'll get those cookies you like.

It's difficult to stay in touch tough - you seem to get busier the older you get and I can only assume that you've had to get the elves working even earlier this year with the world's population continuing to grow. I've lost touch with a few people that I used to be close with. I say this every year but I will try to do better at keeping in touch.

I think I've been quite good this year. I have been giving more to charity and I've been trying to help others when I can, so I'm hoping that I'm on the nice list. Therefore, I've got a few special things I'm asking for this year.

Whilst 2016 was a good year for me personally as I got engaged, it wasn't too great for the rest of the world. Let's start with the big one - politics. With the results of the EU referendum (is Lapland in the EU? I don't know), Donald Fart winning the US presidential election and the murder of Jo Cox MP, it seems like the right wing - specifically the extreme right - is on the rise.

I was hoping you might be able to do something about this? Maybe not remove all these people in power (although if you can get rid of Darth May, that would be excellent), but make people generally more tolerant and caring of other people, animals and the environment, then that would make me exceptionally happy. Less authoritarianism and more tolerance would be great. Perhaps you got some conservative MPs George Orwell's 1984 for Christmas last year? If so, can you please remind them that it is a dystopian novel and not a handbook on how to govern.

Next up is celebrities. Now, I'm not much of a celeb spotter. I don't know who at least two thirds of the humans on I'm A Celebrity are, but the rate at which they have been dying this year is ridiculous. I know that death is a natural and inevitable part of life, and also necessary otherwise your poor elves would never have a day off. But the rate at which people - cool people - have been going is ridiculous. Could you ask death to take someone that people don't like once in a while , such as Piers Morgan or Katie Hopkins?

Anyway, I know all of that is a lot to ask, and some of it is probably outside of your control, so if it can't be done, then some new socks will be fine.

Yours sincerely,
Stewart Cork

p.s. I know that I've been arguing quite a lot with people on the Hythe Residents Facebook page. I hope that hasn't got me on the naughty list. I'm just trying to stand up for all the people that need housing against the NIMBYs. You might not have that problem in Lapland as there's a lot of space there.

2016 Reading Challenge

Natalie challenged me to do the 2016 reading challenge on 9gag

I love reading and I love challenges, so here goes! This required me to read 42 books. As I read over 60 last year, albeit aided by the fact I was spending two hours a day on a train, I thought I should be able to manage it!

I only just managed it with a few weeks to spare. I found that it forced me to read books that I perhaps wouldn't have read otherwise, which is a good thing. However, having to find books that fit certain categories meant that my pile of books to read (which is currently about 3 feet tall) didn't get much smaller. As such, I won't be doing a similar challenge next year as I want to try to get through as much of this pile as possible.

Below is a list of all the books that I picked and which category I picked them for. However, I will just list my 5 favourite books (in no particular order) that I read as part of this challenge and why.

Iain Banks - The Wasp Factory
I know people who have liked Iain Banks/Iain M Banks for years. I can't believe it took me so long to read one of his books for the first time. I borrowed this from the library and it was so good that I bought a copy from a charity shop straight after so that Jo can read it too. You really get into the mind of the character, and it is really engaging. The ending really surprised me as well, and it's always nice to get that engaged and still to not know where it is going.

Nathan Filer - Shock of the Fall
This was recommended to me by my sister-in-law and she picked a good one! It was partly inspired by the Wasp Factory - which Filer notes at the end of the book - and I had been able to tell that as I was reading. It was a very powerful book, and out of everything I read this year, was the most difficult book to put down.

Khaled Kosseni - The Kite Runner
A lot of people apparently hated this book. It was a book chosen as one about a culture I did not know about. The story involves a boy who moved from Afghanistan to America as a young child and goes back as an adult to deal with a problem. Again, I loved how you totally get into the mind of the main character. All of them are well written and you really start to feel for them. A great thing for a book to make you do.

Caitlin Moran - How to be a Woman
This was a book written by a celebrity, and is not a how to but an analysis of feminism and the problems that are still faced by women in society. It is also funny. I enjoyed reading this for both reasons.

Agatha Christie - Cat Among The Pigeons
I didn't realise this was a Poirot book until I was part of the way through it. It was frustrating at times, but this was only due to dramatic irony. Christie is obviously a world class crime writer and I really enjoy whodunnits.

And the award for the worst book I read this year is tied between James Dashner -  The Maze Runner and Kristen Simmons - Article 5. Avoid both at all costs.

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A book based on a fairytale - Vivan Vande Velde - The Rumpelstiltskin Problem. Read while on holiday between 24 September and 1 October.

This was interesting. A guy who found problems with the story of Rumpelstiltskin and rewrote the story several times to deal with the problem. It was nice, but difficult to read all in one go due to the stories being so similar.

A National Book Award winner - Let the Great World Spin. Started on holiday between 24 Sept and 1 Oct. Finished 3d October,

This was really good. It is written in about 15 sections, each of which is from a different person's perspective. They don't all tie up neatly. Reading the second one, I was very confused about how it could possibly link to the first as it changed completely. Nevertheless, it was really good, really enjoyable.

A YA bestseller. Suzanne Collins: Hunger Games. Started 19th Jan, finished 3rd Feb.

I had wanted to read this for a while. Even though it is just Battle Royale. Which apparently the author had never heard of when she started writing this. It was engrossing and easy to read. Went through the 450 pages in no time when I had a chance to read. Will definitely be reading the others.

A book you haven't read since high school: Lord of the Flies. Started 10 February, finished 17 February

I studied this for GCSE English and remembered enjoying it. It turns out I didn't remember much of it. There's so much that I'd forgotten and so much that I am sure I wouldn't have understood fully when I was younger either. This was quite enlightening and might even tempt me to re-read Wuthering Heights which is my most hated book.

A book set in your home state - HE Bates - The Darling Buds of May. Read during November

Apparently this is set in Kent, although I didn't notice any references during the book. It was quite short but pretty enjoyable. I'd forgotten pretty much everything about the  TV show so wasn't sure what was coming. There are questionable morals within the book but it is really well written and easy to read.

A book translated to English. Jonas Jonasson. The Girl Who Saved the King of Sweden. Started 10th May. Finished 24th May.

I had read the 100 Year Old Man Who Climbed out A Window and Disappeared which I loved. This was possibly even better. The style of writing is really easy and fun to just dive into.

A romance set in the future - Kurt Vonnegut - Slaughterhouse 5. Started 19th September. Finished 23rd September.

Not set in my future as such, but the future from when this was written. It was a bit confusing. I had only read one book by Vonnegut before - Welcome to the Monkey House - but I liked it so much that it made it onto my list of favourite books when I wrote it in 2014. I had recently read it, so that is probably why it was on there. This seemed different to me, although I'll probably re-read it at some point to try to fully digest it as I did get a wee bit lost.

A book set in Europe - Milan Kundera - The Joke. Started 31st October. Finished in November.

This was a bit difficult to follow at first due to the changing perspectives but once I got my head around it, it was really good. Kundera has a good grasp on how to write a satirical novel. It was also a little frightening that a joke can be taken so out of context and cause so many problems for one person. Quite relevant now Darth May has enacted her snoopers charter.

A book that's under 150 pages. Thomas Pynchon. The Crying of Lot 49. Started 22nd April, Finished 29th April.

This is a book that inspired Radiohead who I was obsessed with when I was at university. I have been intending to read it since then but only just got around to it. It's good. It's not what I was expecting, but it's good.

A New York Times bestseller. Nick Hornby - Slam. Started 1st September. Finished 3rd September.

This was so easy to read. I love Hornby's stuff and initially I wasn't sure if I'd get into this one but after a few chapters I was hooked and blasted through it. Lovely stuff.

A book that's becoming a movie this year. Marvel: Civil War. Started 18 February. Finished 23rd February.

I love comics! Yeah! A way to get an extra graphic novel on this list. I only started reading them properly a few years ago, and then it was primarily Batman. It's nice to read a wider range, although I get lost by all the characters and stories that there are.

A book recommended by someone you just met - Upton Sinclair - The Jungle. Started 17th October. Finished 31st October.

This was recommended by a guy in Foyles who looked at the other two books I had in their 3 for 2 offer and helped me find something which he thought I would like. It was really interesting to see a depiction of how the working poor lived in early 20th century America. There are a lot of similarities to problems that are inherent in the culture these days and it is disheartening to see that over 100 years later, we haven't - as a culture - managed to solve them yet.

A self-improvement book. Nigel Watts - Teach Yourself Writing a Novel. Started 18th July. Finished 23rd July.

I have been wanting to write a novel for quite some time. I've had the outline of an idea and this helped motivate me to do some more work on it and gave me ideas of the technical things to think about.

A book you can finish in a day. Neil Gaiman. How the Marquis Got His Coat Back. Read on the morning of Friday 22nd April

I love Gaiman's style. It really draws you in. I don't think I'd read any of the Neverwhere books before but it wasn't too difficult to understand what was going on. I recommend for an hour long read.

A book written by a celebrity. Caitlin Moran. How to Be a Woman. Started 29th April. Finished 10th May.

I really enjoyed this. I like to think I'm liberal and egalitarian but it was great reading this to get more of a female perspective and all that.

A political memoir - Barack Obama - The Audacity of Hope. Started 12th July. Finished 19th September.

This was enjoyable, especially so because it was written before he became the candidate for President. It filled me in on his previous life, and some of the workings of the US election system. The bit when he met Michelle was also quite cute.

A book that's at least 100 years older than you. William Shakespeare. Taming of the Shrew. Started 6th June. Finished: 7th June.

We saw this on 11th June. I read it in two days in advance. I enjoyed it, although the male/female dynamic in the play is awkward.

A book that's more than 600 pages. Leo Tolstoy. War and Peace. Started 3rd January. Finished 15th July.

Full Blog Post as it is on my bucket list.

A book from Oprah's Book Club. Gabriel Garcia Marquez. 100 Years of Solitude. Read during November.

I had read this when I was much younger. It was difficult to follow with all the Spanish naming conventions and everyone having very similar names. I liked it though, but I lost the flow of the whole novel at times.

A science-fiction novel. HG Wells - War of the Worlds. Started 23rd July. Finished 2nd August.

HG Wells lives down the road from me. Or he used to. His house is still there. And I guess it's not literally down the street. You have to go round the corner as well. I've wanted to read this for a long time - ever since I heard the David Essex soundtrack back when I was around 8, and I finally got around to it. I really enjoyed it. I felt it was a much easier to read than The Island of Doctor Moreau which I had read earlier this year. Two thumbs up.

A book recommended by a family member. Nathan Filer. The Shock of the Fall. Started 11th August. Finished 16th August.

I asked my sister-in-law Hannah to recommend a book and she picked this. It reminded me of the Wasp Factory which I had read a week or so previously, and I discovered that in the interview at the back, he mentioned Iain Bank's Frank. It was good, and the first book to make me cry in a really long time.

A book that is published in 2016. JK Rowling. Harry Potter - all three Pottermore Presents books.

These were fun if not the extra stories that I was hoping for. It was nice that some character details were filled in, and it was cool to hear some bits from JK Rowling on the decisions she made in writing the books. It was also nice to have a recap of some of the key story points (as they tie in with certain characters biographies) shortly before going to watch the play in November.

A Graphic Novel. Chuck Palahniuk - Fight Club 2. Started 20th July, Finished 22nd July.

It was interesting, if a little odd at times. It was maybe trying to be a bit too meta and to push the conventions of graphic novels in general (such as being able to read what people were saying). It also didn't really show how it got from the end of the original novel to this. Not bad, but not great.

A book with a protagonist who has your occupation. Rosy Barnes. Sadomasochism for Accountants. Read while on holiday between 24 Sep and 1 Oct.

There aren't many books or stories with accountants in at all. The only other one I can think of is The Producers. I quite like my job. I'm good at it, but I'll be the first to admit it isn't very exciting or interesting to people who don't do it. The idea of taking accountants and putting them in a fetish club scenario was quite amusing. I quite enjoyed this book. It was good holiday reading.

A book that takes place during summer. The Great Gatsby. Started 16th August. Finished 23rd August.

I read this for the first time last year. As soon as I finished reading it, I thought that I wanted to read it again. This gave me the perfect excuse. It was better second time around, definitely. I did struggle every time a character said "of" and not "have" to not then rip up the whole book, though.

A book and it's prequel. James Dashner. Maze Runner and Kill Order. Started 4th October. Finished 17th October.

These books are so badly written. I really don't know what to say about them. The most annoying this is that there are a few interesting ideas but there is never any payoff. You never get to understand what has caused this world to be. That's on top of all the poor storytelling, lack of emotional connection with the characters. I am annoyed by the person on Goodreads who suggested these two books for this challenge.

A murder mystery. Agatha Christie. Cat Among The Pigeons. Started 15th March. Finished 21st March.

I didn't realise this was a Poirot book when I started reading it. It was enjoyable yet frustration. The employment of dramatic irony just made me want to jump into the book, shout at characters and tell them what was going on!

A book written by a comedian. Simon Pegg - Nerd Do Well. Started 3rd September.

This was another autobiography and I found it really interesting. There were some fiction bits in amongst the anecdotes which were ok but I found superfluous to requirements. The discussion about decisions made whilst making some of my favourite TV shows and films was enjoyable and there was also a lot of discussion that would be more suited to a film studies lesson - which I enjoyed.

A dystopian novel. Kristen Simmons. Article 5. Started 23rd February. Finished 11th March.
This was easily the worst book I'd read so far. It made me hate the main character which is never a good state to be in. It was similar in style and target audience to the Hunger Games but didn't grip me in the same way and was much more poorly written.

A book with a blue cover: Ray Bradbury. We'll Always Have Paris. Started 28th April. Finished 10th May.

A book of short stories, some of them were brilliant and engaging.

A book of poetry. Shakespeare's Sonnets. Started 14th January. Finished 19th January.

I read Bill Bryson's Shakespeare biography over Christmas. Whilst going to a performance of every one of his plays is on my bucket list, I hadn't paid much attention to the poetry before. I was quite surprised. It was more engaging than I expected it to be, and also it was interesting to note that not everything rhymed when it was supposed to, so it showed how much the English language had changed in the last 400 years.

The first book you see in a bookstore. JK Rowling - Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. Read 5th - 10th December.

This is probably the first book everyone sees in any bookstore for the latter half of this year. Each book shop seems to have about 50,000 copies of it.

This book is the script to the play. I didn't want to read it until after I had seen the play. This was a good idea, because the script on it's own isn't anywhere near as good as seeing the play, and I can understand why some fans weren't too impressed by it. I didn't like the time travel element but this is mainly because I don't like time travel but I understand what it was trying to do. I think I'd have preferred a new story entirely but enjoyable nonetheless.

A classic from the 20th Century. Brideshead Revisited. Started 2nd August. Finished 10th August.

I had no idea what this book was going to be about but the name had always intrigued me. In feel, for some reason it felt like an English Great Gatsby. Unlike some classics, I found it quite easy to follow and enjoyed it.

A book from the library. Iain Banks - The Wasp Factory. Started July 29th. Finished August 2nd.

I can't believe I hadn't read this before. It is awesome. If you've not read it, I recommend it. The way it reveals information piece by piece is very well done. It's a really well written and well structured book. And the end. Did not see that coming.

An autobiography. John Cleese. So Anyway... Started 27th May. Finished: 14th June.

This only really goes up to the start of the Pythons. Enjoyable, you really get a sense of who John Cleese is.

A book about a road trip. Terry Darlington. Narrow Dog To Carcassonne. Started 21st March. Finished 20th April.

Technically a book about a boat trip. A retired couple who - against pretty much all advice - sail a narrow boat across the channel and to the south of France. Enjoyable and stylistically the writing reminded me a bit of how my dad writes.

A book about a culture you are unfamiliar with. The Kite Runner. Started 23rd August. Finished 1st September.

About Afrghanistan and a boy who leaves to go to America and returns a man. A lot of people said they didn't get on with this buy I'm not sure why. It pulled at the heartstrings well and while some bits seemed predictable, there were twists and turns. I found this easy to read and would definitely recommend.

A satirical book. Voltaire - Candide. Started reading 23rd September. Finished early October.

I read this whilst on Holiday. I've forgotten what I thought about this.

A book that takes place on an island. The Island of Dr Moreau. Started June 20th. Finished July 18th.

I picked this partly due to it's significance in Orphan Black. It was good, but at times I struggled to get into it.

A book that's guaranteed to bring you joy. Bill Bryson. The Road to Little Dribbling. Started 12th September. Finished 19th September

I assumed this would bring me joy as I've really liked Bryson's other work and I like his writing style. It was still amusing in places but he has turned into a bit of a grumpy old man now.

Harry Potter and the Politician’s Wig

It was a very large but dark and scary room. A lot of menacing people were around him. He didn’t know what he was saying but he was saying in with menace and vitriol. Raising his hands in the air in celebration he seemed to make everyone chant at him.

He awoke from the vision clutching his head and screaming.

“Harry! What is it? Is it your scar?” enquired Hermione.

Harry Potter nodded. It felt like he couldn’t talk. His throat was dry. Pointing at it prompted Ron to thrust some butterbeer to him which he gulped down in a few seconds. It was obvious that Harry had been practicing his pint drinking skills in preparation for wizard university.

“Trump!” he gasped. “They were chanting it at me… at him… Trump! Trump! Trump”

“They were chanting at you to fart?” Ron asked surprised. “It sounds like they need to visit Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes.”

“Ronald Weasley!” sighed Hermione. “Sometimes I wonder if you ever pay attention in Muggle Studies. It must have been Donald Trump.”

“What?” said Ron. “The idiot who went bankrupt four times and keeps forgetting where he lives and where he parked his plane, so he writes his name in big letters on his things. Why would anyone be chanting his name? That’s just ridiculous.”

“If you’d been paying any attention recently, you would have realised that he’s running for the presidency of America which is a very dangerous thing because quite frankly, he’s a complete idiot,” explained Hermione. “Holy cricket! It all makes sense now! His wig must be a horcrux. That explains a lot. Only dark magic could trick almost half of the population that it would be a good idea to vote for him! Once he’s become president, he’d basically be in charge of the world!”

“But we destroyed all the horcruxes. The last one was me!” said Harry. If there was one thing he wanted to avoid, it was fighting Voldemort again. It seems like he would be fighting him eternally in a magical version of Groundhog Day.

“You were an accidental horcrux, though, Harry. Voldemort never intended to create you. He made seven horcruxes. You were the eighth. That means there’s one left.”

“And he’s put one in a muggle’s wig. That’s bloody clever isn’t in, really. We’d never have thought to look there!” said Ron who was almost impressed by how smart the dark lord actually is.

“Right. I’m going to sort this out right now. I’m sick of this!” said Harry, getting to his feet. “You guys stay here. It’s not safe for you. Hermione, you’d be in danger of sexual assault and Ron, I’m not sure what his feelings are on gingers but he’s clearly a racist so it wouldn’t be too much of a jump to assume he might also discriminate based on hair colour.”

“Harry, we’re coming with you, obviously.”

“Yeah mate, you can’t leave us behind. You tried that before.”

“Fine. It didn’t work last time and it won’t work this time either, will it? Come on then. Accio broomstick!” he shouted, and his Nimbus 2000 came flying into his hand.

“Accio broomstick!” said Ron and Hermione simultaneously.

They flew across the Atlantic as fast as their broomsticks could take them. They easily found the Horcrux. The human that Voldemort had been controlling had a voice so loud that they could hear it as soon as they’d got 20 miles west of Ireland. The stupid ignorant words that were coming out of its mouth only served to motivate the three friends to finally put an end to Tom Riddle once and for all.

They found him at an election rally the night before the election. He was so into his blustering nonsense that he didn’t sense Harry’s presence through their intimate connection.

“Accio wig” cast Ron hopefully.

Amazingly Trump’s wig flew straight into Ron’s hand.

“Wow! I wasn’t expecting that one to work.”

“Quick, Harry, the basilisk fang!”

Harry quickly got the fang from under his cloak and stabbed it through the wig which was struggling in Ron’s hand. It instantly withered and died. Harry’s felt pain greater than any pain that he had ever felt before.

“That’s it,” he said. “My scar doesn’t hurt. And I know it won’t hurt any more. I felt him die. For good this time.”

The crowd seeing that Donald Trump had been lying about having a wig for many years, realised that everything that he had been telling them for the last year was a whole load of poppycock. They also realised that his name meant fart, although they weren’t sure why. (It was a spell that Hermione has secretly done under her breath to prove to Ron that she wasn’t as stuffy and boring as he thought she was.) All the crowd immediately vowed to vote for someone else.

The Election Day came and went. Ron, Hermione and Harry stuck around in America to watch the results there. Partly because it was more interesting to do so but partly because the frozen butterbeer you get in the States is pretty amazing and they couldn’t go back without celebrating finally killing the dark lord with a butterbeer bender.

“Potter! Grainger! Weasley!” screamed Professor McGonagall as they flew back into Hogwarts the following, rather pleased with themselves but hanging off the back of the broomsticks – metaphorically, not literally.

Ron gulped.

“Yes, Professor?” said Potter.

“You know what the rules are on doing magic outside of Hogwarts. You are forbidden to do so!”

Hermione started to look worried. She couldn’t have a blotch on her record which might damage her chances of getting a job at the Ministry of Magic.

“However, based on the circumstances and the fact that you’ve averted unprecedented disaster and possibly the destruction of the world, I feel I must award you a million points to Gryffindor! Do you fancy a butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks?”

“Hair of the dog?” said Ron.

“We’re in!” all three of them said in union.

Bucket List Item 13: Read War and Peace

I put Read War & Peace on my bucketlist when I made it a number of years ago. I can’t remember exactly why I put it on there. I think it was probably at least one of the following things:

1.       The fact that I love reading and I wanted to put something related to reading on the list.
2.       I’ve enjoyed the Russian literature that I have read.
3.       Despite now having been there and being a bit underwhelmed by it, I have had a fascination with Russia for several years.
4.       It is supposed to be a difficult book to read and I wanted to prove that I could do it.
5.       I want to be able to say pretentiously to people that I have read it.

Jo bought me a lovely hardback version of the book for my birthday last year (now almost a year
ago), which I finished reading earlier this year.  It took me several months to read. It’s a long book. But not only that, it’s a heavy book. That meant that it wasn’t too easy to transport and therefore I didn’t read it on the train which is my usual reading time. I ended up reading for a quarter of an hour every night before bed.

There are almost 600 characters and it isn’t really suited to this style of reading, especially with my concentration span. I would often forget who people were when I began reading the next day, let alone a few weeks later if they had gone out of the narrative for a while. As such, there are passages which I remember vividly - Pierre’s father’s death and the game of cards are two of them – and yet others which I barely remember happening at all.

This was brought out when we recently watched the BBC dramatisation of the novel. There were bits that I definitely don’t recall at all. Then again, there are bits which I am fairly sure Tolstoy didn’t write but were included because they were naughty bits and the BBC wanted ratings.  It was really useful to see how it was condensed down to a 6 hour series, and I think I’m quite a visual person and being able to see the actors made it easier for me to remember which character was which, rather than getting lost in all of the words in the book.

I think I will definitely attempt to read it again at another point. I don’t think I got everything that I could out of it, however it won’t be for a while as my pile of books to read is almost as tall as me.