I wish I was Sherlock Holmes

When I was a kid I wanted to be Sherlock Holmes. I still do.

It was only after watching the first series of the BBC’s Sherlock in anticipation of the second series which aired earlier this month that I was reminded of this. I then subsequently downloaded the Complete Sherlock Holmes onto my shiny new kindle (only 77p on Amazon – bargain) and started re-reading some of the stories that they were based on which really hammered it home.

I had never struck me before how much of an influence over my life he has had. I always wanted to be as smart as him. I’m not sure I have come anywhere near close but his pursuit of knowledge - albeit in a very specific area - and the truth probably had some factor in my choice to study philosophy at university.

My second favourite board game as a child was called 221B Baker Street: The Master Detective (my favourite being Monopoly because I was born to be an a capitalist). The game is essentially Cluedo but with actual clues rather than a process of elimination. My brother dug this game out a couple of years ago and we became obsessed with it again for a short period of time. I also became extremely competitive and refused to acknowledge his victory when he got one tiny detail wrong. Well, Holmes wouldn't have got anything wrong.

In my mind, it is a vastly superior game to Cluedo because of it’s intellectual requirements that I didn’t play Cluedo again until a few months ago round a friend’s house. My desire to be Holmes led to me taking extensive notes on who appeared to be showing whom which card so that I could not only win but reveal to everyone else that I knew exactly which cards they had. Unfortunately my powers aren’t quite up to Holmesian standards and I didn’t win. I did have fajitas though which I consider a sort of victory.

Holmes embodies everything that I value.

He has a Stephen Fry-esque encyclopaedia of knowledge and incredible powers of observation (which I totally lack as my concentration span is basically non-existent). He has a good sense of right and wrong although he isn't afraid to bend this on occasions for the greater good - a sense of utilitarianism which is something I developed during university. He is a master of disguise and I love dressing up and make pretend (yes, I am still a child - more on that at another time).

On top of this, Holmes is able to hold his own in a fight and is a keen boxer. This is not me at all. I used to go kick boxing. I threw up for the first two weeks and then on the third week they told me to take it easy. I didn't go back. I still wished I'd been good at it tough. Excitement and adventure is also never far away for Holmes and I love seeing and experiencing new things.

Along with the fact that he gets paid for doing something he loves, this makes him my hero.

He has had a profound effect on my life. More than I realised and possibly more than anyone else outside of my immediate family.

My favourite five bands you’ve probably never heard of*

I like to think that I've got awesome music taste. Actually scrap that. I know I've got awesome music taste. Sometimes the best music isn't the popular music. And a lot of the time, the popular music isn't the best music.

I used to be a bit precious about "my" music and didn't always like it when it became popular and wasn't as special any more because everyone liked it. However, feel privileged that today I have decided to share some hidden gems with you. These are my favourite five bands that only a handful of people have probably heard of, how I discovered them and why you should like them.

1. Evil Superstars

I'm an undercover pedestrian, spreading the love germ

Evil Superstars are the third best band to come out of Belgium in the last twenty years and hold a special place in my heart. I was writing a music column for our local newspaper almost 14 years ago and randomly got sent the single for B.A.B.Y. I was blown away. Bands of the time weren't making music like that. This was a time when the Manic Street Preachers were turning mainstream and when boybands and girl bands were the flavour of the month.

I remember the exact time when I first listened to the song. A friend from school had popped round to pick something up and I'd just put the single in. It was just so dirty and completely unlike anything else I'd heard in a while - dirty both in the sounds of the music and lyrically.

Not all of their songs are like this. Like their contemporaries dEUS who I can't help comparing them to, they are also able to produce beautiful music. Singer Mauro Pawlowski now plays guitar for dEUS and I was fortunate enough to interview him on the phone after the release of Boogie Children-R-Us. He sounded like a man who genuinely loved making music and realised how lucky he was to be able to make a living from doing so. He promised me he would make music "until I fucking die."

2. Quasi

Love was a problem for our ancestors, it's not such a problem any more

 Sam Coomes and Janet Weiss show the White Stripes what ex-husband and wife two pieces should sound like. In fact, I'd go as far as to say they're the best ex-husband and wife two piece that has ever existed. Although I have just discovered that they now have a full time bassist, so I should probably change the tense in that last sentence although I can't be bothered to do so now.

I saw them when they were supporting Elliott Smith. Sam and Elliott used to be in Heatmiser together and Elliott occasionally helped out by playing bass for Quasi. Janet was the drummer in Sleater-Kinney and it seems that these along with some of their other projects were always due to overshadow Quasi.

Sam plays a rocksichord - an instrument so rare that I remember something happening to the one Sam used to play with (either stolen or broken) and him struggling to find a replacement for it.  It makes the band's sound completely unique, especially with the way Coomes jumps on and clings off his instrument.

With intelligent lyrics and poppy melodies, Quasi should be way more popular than they are although with so many side projects, the band's releases and touring schedule is quite sporadic.

3. Freedom For King Kong

Des maux contractés à force de trop marcher, même les poètes en ont mal aux pieds

When I first visited Paris, I went into a couple of record shops while the girl I was seeing at the time did some clothes shopping. My French has been poor ever since I somehow scraped a C in my GCSE but I did manage to work out where the ska-punk section was and randomly picked up a couple of compilation CDs.

On one of these there was a live version of song called Babylone by Freedom For King Kong. I'd struggle to call it ska-punk but I was hooked. In fact, I have often struggled to define the sound of the band. My attempts usually end up something like "electro-rock.... awesomeness with a guy rapping over the top.... in French" but the band's Myspace (remember that?) has them down as Alternative/Metal/Rap so we'll go with that.

The band went on a permanent hiatus in 2007 are so obscure now that even their own website doesn't appear to work any more.

Having just translated the lyrics to this song through Babelfish, it appears to be about dreams in dreams, so the band also have a good case for having written one of the most lauded films of the last few years.

4. The Pecadiloes

You say you've lots and lots of money, I'd get down on my knees to get some

The Pecadiloes are another band that I got sent a CD of when writing for the local paper. They qualify as the most obscure band on this list by virtue of the fact that they don't have a website or a Wikipedia page. They are however mentioned in passing in the first chapter of the novel Kill Your Friends by John Niven which I read last year. That made me excited to read the rest of the book but I wouldn't bother if I was you - it's just American Psycho uprooted and dumped down in the music industry.

I missed the chance to see them when they played at the Penny Theatre as I had no-one to go along with as I hadn't convinced anyone else how awesome they were which I have always been a little bit disappointed about, especially as the band seemed to split after just the one album - Caught on Venus.

Again, they sounded different to anything at the time, so I can see why their label found it not to be commercially viable to keep them around (I am assuming that anyone making music this amazing wouldn't split up of their own accord after just one record) but it has always made me a bit disappointed that the record industry revolves around sales rather than talent.

5. Ed Harcourt

If you need to kiss me then you'll most definitely miss me when I'm gone. God you make me sing funny things about you.

Ok, so technically, Mr Harcourt isn't a band but his music is too beautiful to leave off this list.

I first saw him at V2001 and then saw him for only the second time at Glastonbury 2010. Both times I just stared in awesome. He's got an incredibly unique voice and uses it to great effect crafting lovely melodies over lovely music.

I can't really say anything else without just repeatedly gushing and using the words "beautiful" and "lovely" over and over again. All I can say is check him out and thank me later.

*Unless I’ve forced you to listen to them or your tastes are as awesome as mine.

The Only Way Is Stereotypes

As a scientific experiment, I spent the afternoon of New Year’s Eve watching an episode of each of the following shows: The Only Way Is Essex (henceforth known as TOWIE), Made In Chelsea, Geordie Shore and Desperate Scousewives. Coincidentally, this was also one of the worst afternoons I spent in 2011. The idea was that I couldn't criticise these sorts of shows without watching them. That’s the sort of attitude which really annoys me when I set it in others.

Now, I don’t claim to be terribly up to date on modern television and it’s been 14 years since I studied media studies, so please forgive me for any inaccuracies in what follows although feel free to criticise my views.

I would liken all four shows to being stuck on a bus with some annoying loud people with an accent which varies depending on the show being unable to avoid their inane conversations about who has recently fornicated with whom.

Common Themes

There are some common themes which can be seen in all of the shows and a few – but not a significant number of – differentiating features. This was actually the thing that annoyed me most, that after a while they sort of blend into one show.

This is probably why each of the shows will have captions pop up to tell you the names of the characters on a regular basis. They don’t trust the viewer to remember who the characters are, what their names are or in some circumstances what their relationship is to the other characters. We are told at least twice in the episode of TOWIE the name of Arg’s nan and their relationship.

This is an indicator of the lowest common demoninator marketing strategy for the shows. The language in the shows is also very simplistic and I think any 8 year old watching the show shouldn’t need to grasp for a dictionary at any point.

All the shows appear to have a focus that looks being more important than personality. In Geordie Shore, it is claimed that “looking this good is a full time job.” Desparate Scousewives has several shots of people preening themselves before a night out although there appeared to be less discussion of appearance than on the other shows. This is made up for with the presence of a fashion blogger who was critical of a “local celebrity”’s appearance at an awards show.

As a consequence of this, fake tan features predominantly throughout the shows. In Geordie Shore one of the characters claims that it’s “Geordie law... you gotta have a tan.” The only show that appears to contradict this is one of the characters in Made In Chelsea saying “fake tan is probably the most offensive thing in the world” but there is still at least one character with a fake tan.

This emphasis on appearance and tans is obviously the sort of forced fashion agenda that is usually the realm of women’s magazines and I would imagine that the markets for the two products overlap somewhat. It’s obviously not a great message to be putting across and could be a negative influence if children grow up with the impression that what matters is how they look.

The shows also promote a lack of individuality. In Geordie Shore, one of the men who just wanted to be himself was was excluded from the group, although all he wanted to do differently from the others was not spend all his time in the gym working on his six-pack. He still had in general the same attitude towards women and life as the other male characters. He was finally accepted into the group when he jumped into a fight that one of the other characters had got themselves into.

The shows have a tendency to claim to be the authority on the area which they represent. I can’t work out whether the characters in TOWIE believe that Essex is the name of the town they live in or whether it is generic so that they don’t offend the residents of any one part of the county. I also can’t work out how they've managed to turn Essex into a verb. I Essex, you Essex, he/she Essexes, we all Essex. I can’t imagine it’ll be long before that somehow wangles it’s way into the OED.

This is most predominant in Geordie Shore when one of the characters expresses the xenophobic statement “if you’re from Middelsborough then you might as well be from Mars.”  They are adamant that Geordie’s must do this or that otherwise they don’t fit in. This ties back to the lack of individuality that the shows seem to prescribe.

I would be interested to know what people from the areas depicted in these shows feel about the way that they are represented. I know people from all of these areas except for Chelsea (I’m not that posh) and they are nothing like the people on these shows. Obviously the producers have handpicked these people to be on the shows to be the most entertaining but they also seem to have picked them for their lowest common denominator appeal. I’m sure there must be doctors, lawyers or nuclear physicists from all of these towns but for some reason they are not represented. I would like to hope that it’s because they don’t want to be on the shows rather than that they are being excluded but I feel it might be both.

With the exception of Geordie Shore which is more fly on the wall, the shows all have high production values. But the image they attempt to convey varies slightly. Desparate Scousewives is attempting to give itself an Americanised glamour image for example, and Made In Chelsea appears to use a filter to give itself a different look to the other shows.

In general, these shows appear to have forced conversations due to the semi-real situations that are engineered for the benefit of the show. It’s obvious not “real” because some of the scenes have 3 or 4 cameras in use which would be in shot if it wasn’t being acted out. The thing is, these people aren’t trained actors, so they are often stumbling over their improvised words aware that whatever they say might be broadcast, which can make look like a primary school nativity play at times.

Unique Selling Points

The main differenc e in the shows is the focus of the characters. In Geordie Shore, the focus is hedonisitc and the characters rarely talk about anything that is not in some way directly related to sex. One of them describes being a Geordie as “going out, getting trashed, not caring about what people think of you.” When asked to do some simple promotional work handing out leaflets another states that she is “still not overly thrilled about having to work at all, like.” Anything that takes them away from their hedonistic lifestyle is an annoyance.

In TOWIE, the focus is more on the relationships of the characters, whether two characters are going to get together, whether an ex will be an issue and problems of that ilk. The characters in TOWIE also seem to have jobs although in the episode I watched this was not obvious which I assume was due to it being a Christmas episode. The representation of the characters seems to fit in with the traditional Essex stereotype of regular but dim-witted people.

Made In Chelsea is a much more aspirational show. This can be seen even before the program starts when advertisers Rimmel tell us we should “get the London look.” The characters are keen to emphasise how high class they are as one character mentions he went to Eton and then in the same breath tells us that “Top Shop is a turn-off.” To be caught at the wrong place or in the wrong outfit seems to be the worst crime that one can commit.

The language used is also less common. I was shocked when the word “suitor” was used. It’s not uncommon but after having watched the other three shows my brain had switched off and I had to reboot it to remember what it meant.

The characters – or at least some of them – are shown not to be as highly educated as they claim to be when one of them says “Charles Dickens wrote Winnie the Pooh. No, Pride and Prejudice. Dickens wrote Victorian books like Pride and Prejudice.” Thus it can be inferred that by and large, what the characters are trying to get across to us is just a facade. Had the show discussed this and tried to investigate why this is, it would have been a much more interesting viewing experience.

In Chelsea, there is also a higher level of discussion about relationships. Two of the male characters discuss what to text a girl in order to give the right impression. This might not seem like much but again, after watching the other three shows, it was a breath of fresh air.

There is also more facial hair. I don’t know what the significance of this is but as a bearded man, I’d like to think they are conveying the message that facial hair represents intelligence and style.

In Desparate Scousewives, they claim to be “loud and proud” although this is in a much more refined way than the characters from Geordie Shore. In the opening sequence, they claim that Liverpool invented music but I couldn’t pick out any Liverpudlian bands in the episode I watched. I do remember hearing Oasis (Manchester) and The Cure (Crawley). If you’re going to make these sorts of claims, you should follow through on them.

As I mentioned earlier, it is attempting to give itself an Americanised glamour image right from these opening titles to the mini-sequence just before the ad break which features half a dozen ladies all dressed up and walking towards the camera in front of a view of the Liverpool shoreline that appears to be trying to pretend to be Manhattan.

It also appears to be the most liberal or metropolitan of all the shows with 3 openly gay characters whereas there were none in Geordie Shore and just the one overly camp chap in TOWIE. I thought there was one in Made In Chelsea but he was dating a woman so I assume he must be one of these “metrosexuals” I’ve heard so much about.

Desperate Scousewives also has sections where the characters talk directly to the camera in an attempt to enhance the impression of the reality of the show.  As an artistic measure I can appreciate this as it gives us an insight into the characters thought process, however I do think that in this case it makes the representation of Liverpool that the show portrays even worse. It is attempting to present the show more as a documentary than as a semi-scripted show which therefore might lead the viewer to believe that Liverpudlians are as this show presents whereas they are obviously an exaggerated version of reality.

Who can we blame for these shows?

Back in the day when MTV still predominantly played music videos, there was a documentary show called The Real World. This is credited as launching the modern reality TV genre although was itself inspired by a 1973 documentary called An American Family. The Real World featured about 8-10 young adults who haven’t met living in a house share for a period of time with cameras following them around this whole time.

This seems to be an obvious inspiriation for Big Brother where a similar number of people move into a house for a length of time but are not allowed to leave (in The Real World the participants were just getting on with their lives) and are given challenges to earn rewards. Big Brother is more of a divergence from the route of the shows that we are considering here and instead leads us down the path of shows such as I’m A Celebrity.

As an aside, Peter Bazalgette, one of the men responsible for the creation of Big Brother received a knighthood in the New Year’s Honours list. A knighthood! For a man who locks people in a house! We generally give people who do that prison sentences!

MTV’s Jersey Shore is an extension of The Real World but is location and ethnicity specific and it is from here that I think the current crop of shows takes its lead. MTV has a wide range of reality shows including The Hills, Cribs and Pimp My Ride. So I think we can place the blame on the fact that some wise guy at MTV decided to ignore what the letter M stood for.

Why are these shows popular?

I really struggled to find anything within these shows that would keep me watching beyond the episode. They are obviously popular though, otherwise they wouldn’t keep spawning imitations.

I can only think that they are the modern equivalent of soaps for the iGeneration. At least they’re not as depressing as Eastenders. We can just thank our lucky stars that as we all pay for the licence fee, at least the BBC remains exempt from shows of this ilk. At least for the moment.

Soap operas have often been heralded as a good form of escapism which allows people to relax, learn from – when Eastenders and Brookside introduced homosexual characters it could be said to help them gain acceptance in society – and to reflect on their lives in some way by comparing it to those of the characters in the soap.

I am not a fan of soap operas as they often keep creating more and more exciting storylines to keep the viewers entranced and I think this undermines the sense of realism that is created. Soap operas are also open-ended and I like stories which have a beginning, a middle and an end as I feel they are in general better crafted than a soap which is written on a rolling basis as the writers will inevitably not know where they are eventually going with their characters.

Having said this, I can understand why shows such as those I have discussed above are enjoyable to some in the same way that soap operas are. However, I feel that the messages portrayed in TOWIE et al are more damaging that the positive messages that generally run through traditional soap operas and I hope that these are addressed in the future to make them more of a positive force in the lives of their viewers.

Bibliography:

For the first time, I feel I can legitimately have a bibliography on a blog. This makes me feel like a pro.

The Only Way Is Essex – The Only Way Is EssexMas
Geordie Shore – Season 1, Episode 1
Made In Chelsea – Season 1, Episode 1
Desperate Scousewives – Season 1, Episode 1