Valentines day kettle love

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I love my new kettle

More than I do you

I was going to write a blog about Valentines day being rubbish but then I realised that the majority of people probably think that way too. Or if they don’t, they probably don’t want me ruining their lovely romantic day by pointing out how silly it all is.

So, instead, I have decided to write about my new love.

We met on Sunday. It was my sister’s birthday and we went out to lunch at the Harvester. My sister is very much like my mother and enjoyed pointing out all the vegetarian options on the menu that I was able to have (All three of them, just in case I’d missed one. It was very helpful).

I had a go on one of those machines you get in the arcades where you try and grab a toy out. For the first time ever, I managed to actually make the grabbing device grab something. It picked up the Wario doll that I had my heart set on, moved it across to the left and then towards me.

I was already celebrating. My family and friends were looking at me with a look that said “you’re 32. Even 8 year old kids don’t get that excited about this.”

Unfortunately Wario is a bit bigger than I had anticipated and is he got to the hatch that he was about to be dropped into, the barrier knocked him out of the grabbing device.

I was distraught. Resolute, I had another go at getting him out but only succeeded in standing him on his head. “No problem”, I thought. “I’ll come back and win him after lunch!” Waiting for the bill, I was very impatient and as soon as it was dealt with, I rushed off to the machine. I was made distraught again to discover that some pikey kid had stolen my Wario toy.

“The only thing to do, “ I thought to myself, “is to go home and have a cup of tea,” because as everyone knows, there is nothing that cannot be fixed by a cup of tea.

I then remembered that my kettle had broken. Fortunately there was a Sainsburys nearby so I stopped off there* and looked at kettles. Within my budget range, there was a black Sainsburys own for £15 or the Presitge 1.7l cordless in sexy white which claimed to light up when boiling for £20.

Anyone who knows me well will know that this was a no brainer for me. Anything that has promises a flashy additional gimmick for a small additional charge will be bought, no questions asked.

Upon getting her home, I noticed not only how well she fits in with her surroundings (see image). She also boils quickly and efficiently, and best of all, when she does, she provides me with her interpretation of the Northern Lights (see below video). She knows how much I want to go see them but also how poor I am and so unlikely to be able to afford to go in some time.

She also makes a damn good cup of tea. I don’t think there’s anything more that I look for in a woman.

So, Presitge 1.7l cordless, will you be my valentine?

* The order of these events has been altered for dramatic effect. I actually bought the kettle before lunch. It was a Sunday and Sainsburys would have been shut by the time we had finished eating. I apologise for any harm caused by this.

I hate running

I hate running, I really do. I’ve never really seen the point. It’s just transporting yourself from one place to another.

I'm happy to put in the effort to run if I'm playing a sport but on it's own... I just don't get it.

OK, when I was a kid, I wanted to be the fastest in my class. There was something cool about that, like you had a super power or something. The best I achieved was third in what I assume was about a fifty metre sprint on sports day in primary school. When I went to big school and realised that about 50% of the other kids there were better than me, I lost all interest.

But running now, as a grown up, I just don’t get. Why would you get all excited about going out in street and letting everyone see how unfit and out of shape you are?

So the fact that I have signed up to run three miles for Sports Relief might confuse you. It certainly confuses me.

I’m a walking paradox.

I think it’s partly because I know that other people – some of whom I think are less fit than me – can do it. Another thing I am is very competitive. I don’t like thinking that other people are better than me.

I think it’s partly because I am still the least fit member of my football team even after two years of playing and training. I have been putting this down to being the oldest outfield player but that excuse doesn’t really wash when you see players like Ryan Giggs still playing at the highest level.

Ok, I might not be quite as good as him but the fact that he can keep playing at the very top level when he is six years older than me puts my levels of fitness to shame.

For a while I have been saying that I want to do a big run to challenge myself and to prove to myself that I can do it. And then a few weeks ago my friend called my bluff.

I know that three miles isn’t much in the grand scheme of things, when other people are running 26 in one go and there’s a dude I just read about called Dean Karnazes who can literally run forever.

But for me, this will be a great achievement. I tried road running a couple of years ago but struggled as I kept getting shin splints and therefore I concluded that I was never going to be able to do it and gave up. I could just about manage a mile before I had to give up.

Now, my body is a bit better conditioned due to playing football and I have managed to overcome this. I am still physically unfit though, and three miles is a challenge to me. I can manage it on a treadmill but basically fall down dead afterwards however every small milestone brings with it an amazing sense of accomplishment.
This is something I really wish I’d done sooner.

Although that’s partly because I would have a younger body and it would therefore be easier for me.

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I also hate asking people for sponsorship. It’s obvious that you’re going to do whatever I’m sponsoring you to do with or without my money. Well I am anyway. So I feel uncomfortable just going up to people and asking them to give to my charity of choice. But should you wish to sponsor me in my attempt to drag myself along Folkestone seafront without dying, you can do so here.