Review: Left Behind by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B Jenkins

Both Emily Bronte and my former English teacher will probably be please to discover that I have a new least favourite book.

I'm not sure exactly how this got on to my Kindle. It is possible that Satan himself put it there.

Either that, or I read the synopsis on Amazon which is actually quite intriguing:

"After millions of people around the world vanish in one moment, in what many claim to be the Rapture, Rayford Steele begins a search for the truth amidst global chaos."

The Walking Dead is brilliant because it takes the zombie apocalypse and deals with how people cope afterwards. The premise of this book, as stated above is that a large number of people just instantly vanish. Poof. Gone. How are those left behind going to deal with it? It's a neat concept, right?

However, this book cannot live up to that in any way, shape or form. It is apparently only 256 pages long. It felt more like 256,000. It took me forever to plow my way through this pile of dirge.

I have a problem with leaving things uncompleted. I realised by at least a quarter of the way in that I didn't like it but forced myself to finish it just in case it redeemed itself.

Not only that, but apparently there are another 12 books in this series. I have no idea how they can stretch it out to that and have absolutely no desire to find out.

Why didn't I like it? It is just really poorly written. Where there is dialogue it is bland, uninteresting and it is very difficult to distinguish any different tone of voice between the characters.

The plot itself drags its feet. It suffers from the religious context which it feels the need to explain over and over and over. It then spends large sections of the book explaining to the read why Ray - the main character - decides to convert to Christianity. It does it in such a preachy way that it is obviously intended to convert the read. I'm an atheist, but whilst I have no problem with a religious context in a story, this basically feels even more like propaganda than the leaflets Jehovah's Witnesses leave with you when you tell them to go away.

The characters really have very little personality. They are very shallow (in the way that they are written, rather than in their actual personality). Where there are hints of something interesting - the lead character having conflicting feelings about flirting with a woman other than his wife - they are very brief and killed off quickly. They are extremely one dimensional and have no internal conflict to make their stories any better.

They also have instantaneous changes of heart or opinion. Immediately after the disappearance, Ray basically says: "oh, it must be the rapture that my wife was talking about. I'd best repent." When one character falls for another, it's within about 3 minutes of meeting her.

They have made a film version of this and have cast my least favourite actor, Nicholas Cage, in the lead role. Apt for what is my least favourite book.

I would have given this zero stars on Goodreads if that was actually possible. I urge anyone not to waste their time reading this book.

Yo, Adrian! I love you!

Last night was a particularly stressful experience. I have written before about how I support West Ham. It's not a particularly rewarding past time. In my lifetime, we have won 5 trophies:

* The FA Cup - when I was not even 1 year old. I don't remember that one.
* the Inter-Toto Cup - which as everyone knows is the only European trophy worth winning
* the Championship Playoffs twice. I'm counting it, even if it's not a real victory and the trophy is only 10 centimeters tall
* The Cuitat de Barcelona trophy in 2013. A two team tournament that I didn't even know we'd won.

As you can see, it's not as rewarding trophy wise as supporting Man Utd, Chelsea, Arsenal or even
Liverpool.

So when we do have great victories, they mean a lot more. And I think that makes the years of everyone telling you how they like it when you do well and that you're their second team a bit more bearable.

Last night was torture though. Me and some colleagues had considered going to see our game against Everton. I'm glad it didn't happen. I struggled to deal with the emotions at home. Had we been at the ground, I think I might have actually had a heart attack.

A quick summary of the game: West Ham go 1-0, Everton have a player sent off and still manage to equalise, taking the game to extra time (and past my bed time). Everton take the lead in extra time only for Carlton Cole who is worth his weight in gold to come on as a substitute and score with his first touch a minute later which prompted the game to go to a penalty shoot out.

A penalty shoot out that I had to watch through my fingers as the tension at this point was unbearable.

No-one wants to be a goalkeeper. It's the job of the least popular kid in school to take this role. Everyone wants to be a striker, and I remember games at school where you would often have games with absolutely no defenders as everyone wanted the glory.

Even West Ham's current goalkeeper, Adrian, wanted to be a striker. It wasn't to be and now he makes a living as a goalkeeper. A thankless task, really. As he tweeted the day before the game, great goalkeepers never with the Ballon d'Or. They never win a golden boot, just get a golden glove that everyone forgets about. They rarely get any real recognition.

That's why I was so pleased when at the end of an epic penalty shoot-out, with the scores at 8-8, Adrian - who is my new favourite player because of this - got to be the hero. 

And in such a cool way. The confidence he had to take off his gloves during his run up to take the penalty - the psychological effect it must have had on his opposite number Robles who had just missed his penalty - saying "I'm not going to need these any more, the game is over" - was awesome. He was cool as anything, and it just exuded confidence to do it during his run up. 

It was the best thing I've seen in a long time, and he deserved his moment sliding on his knees towards the fans. The moment of glory that goalkeepers rarely get. 

He gets my vote for Hammer of the Year. I'm calling it now.